i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
