So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
