You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
