Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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