I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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