but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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