I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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