he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We have started to decorate penises.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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