I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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