Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
