I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
