I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You smell like stripper and shame
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
