I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
