I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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