So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
