At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
