Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize