i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
