Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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