a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
