You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
