Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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