I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
be right there i have to get my cape
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
