I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
