My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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