I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
