He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
