how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
