Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
