see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
