I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
