i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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