Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
