My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
