My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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