I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
