Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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