You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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