Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
