Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
