I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
