I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
and she was petting her beer can
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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