Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
