did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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