Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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