i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
