I wish my penis had an off switch
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
