I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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