when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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