I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize