Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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