But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
