i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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