I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize