singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize