Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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