hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
