If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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