By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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