I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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