you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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