I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We need to get me chipped asap
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
