I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well I just put wine in my tea
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
